Everything's fucked...out there...isn't it?

I was supposed to post this last night, but i was sleepy and slightly drunk so i fell asleep. Here's what i meant to say.

Yesterday I had a rehearsal planned from 11 until 2, rehearsing act 4, the end of the play. Of the 8 people in the act, only 3 of them turned up at 11. One of them thought the rehearsal started at 2, one of them text me at 10 to 11 to say they were writing an essay that was due in this afternoon, one had a job interview she hadn't told me about, and one of them just didn't turn up, but gave me no excuse. The only person who I knew wouldn't be there was James, since the rehearsal was planned around the actor who dropped out's schedule.

I was so angry i could barely speak. I'm also completely exhausted, and quickly losing my enthusiasm. I love this play, and i love my cast, but my god they're making it hard work.

We had a cast social planned last night, to go see the first SUDS play of term and then go to the bar to talk about it and do some cast bonding. We were supposed to meet in the bar at half 6, but i told everyone to meet in the common room instead. As soon as everyone arrived i had a talk with them.

I absolutely hate telling people off. I'm bad at it. As soon as i say something stern, regardless of the emotion behind it, tears come to my eyes. It's awkward and embarrassing, and ruins the effect i try to achieve. I explained to my cast that the rehearsal schedule has had more than its fair share of problems, and that each of them had to put in far more effort if we're going to make the play as good as it can be. I tried to be reasonable, but firm. My hands were shaking, and as soon as i finished Aimee took me away and i started to cry.

I really hope that what i said had an effect on them. I guess we'll see in rehearsal today. I think something which might have even more effect is the play that we all watched yesterday. It was called After The End, by Dennis Kelly, and it was spectacular. I think now the cast have seen the standard at which SUDS works they'll be motivated to work harder, if only so that our play isn't the weakest one this term. Coming out of the show last night they were all saying how The Crucible had to be better. I think it might have scared them into buckling down.

I hope so.