Sunday, 31 August 2008


I got into Sussex, I got 3A's and a B in my A-levels, I'm going to be studying English Lit in a good university, in the same town as 3 of my very best friends, near enough to London and to Simon so I shouldn't feel lost whilst still being able to feel independent, so why aren't I excited?

Well, partly it's that I'm studying English, not film, and even though i know it's the logical choice, there is still a voice in the back of may head saying things like "the youngest director to win the best director Oscar was 23, you won't even have scratched the surface of your post-grad in film by then" and "in 3 years Sofia Coppola could easily write and direct a film making her the first woman to win the prize." Of course i know that these are stupid, idiotic thoughts, and that the chances of me ever achieving that status are slimmer than slim, but it still gets to me. I read a quote by an Olympic athlete the other day, basically saying that "if people look at the
odds of winning, they wouldn't bother to compete, but someone has to win, so why not me?"
So why not me?

Then all the other insecurities start rolling in, how I'm dreadful at reading and analyzing poetry, how the texts that I'm interested in studying are not exactly broad, and what if I'm not smart or dedicated enough to succeed? Blah blah, usual insecure teenage bullshit which i can't escape, even if i try. Again, i know just how stupid it is, but it doesn't dampen the effect it has on my spirit.

Also in my brain is a thought which is pretty well summed up by a postsecret submitted this week:

Now obviously my graduating class didn't have nearly as many people in it, but that almost makes it more intense. Coming from Frensham, which is such a tiny, close knit school (however much we may mock Andrew, it is a community) and going to Sussex, where my year group will be larger than the entirety of Frensham, nursery to Sixth Form, is kind of daunting. Obviously the same insecurities everyone has are there, what if i don't make friends, what if no-one likes me, what if i'm the stinky kid in class that everyone else secretly, and not so secretly, make fun of?

Bleugh, i'm being a child and i need to get over it.
just thought i'd share.


Anonymous said...

meh, I'm worrying about not making friends and being the loser kid as well...Frensham doesn't prepare you for these things.

Prof. Timford Hubert Christmas Medicine said...

I bet you're looking back on this post, almost 3 weeks on, and laughing like a bag full of badgers!